Adoption Lessons

In the midst of yet, another tantrum, I sat on my child's bed,  as I tried again to reach through his overwhelming emotions to his heart. Shooting me a look of defiance, he continued to pound his fists against the bedframe, yelling loudly and vehemently. Patience had deserted me long ago, and negative thoughts compounded with fear kept running through my mind...Why does parenting this child have to be so hard? Why do my children always have to battle with me over everything that I say? And  where God, is the joy that  I should be experiencing as a parent?
 

If there is one thing I wish I had known up front before that day we picked up our sons from a Russian baby home, it would be to expect spiritual warfare like I've never seen before.
 

Six years ago, I wasn't prepared for the dark years that hit me.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
        ~ Ephesians 6:12

Many were the days that I felt like my children were my enemy.

But Ephesians 6:12 reminded me that the truth is, Satan is the real enemy. He hates families. Especially families who are on a journey of restoration. He schemes against my children, my husband and myself. He continually tries to pull this little family apart.

Satan's goal is to separate us. He is on the prowl trying to separate this family through conflict, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and frustration. He wants to separate us from God's best, and from God Himself.

But God prunes in order to bring forth more fruit, and He used those dark days to pruneback what was dead in me, in order to nurture hope, dependence and faith.

I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.
     ~John 15:1-2

Adoption had cut me sheer back to the quick. For longest time my branches bore no fruit, no buds, no leaves, just bare stark stubs. I was supposed to be a "spiritual example", but instead I became a walking picture of how evil the human heart is and how deep the darkness goes.

Parents, when you give in to anger, resentment or self-pity at your children’s bad behavior, you make yourself the center of the problem. You must love your kids enough to show them the danger of their behavior. They need to see that their first problem is with God, and only secondarily with you.

     ~John A. Younts

Thank the Lord His redemption goes just as deep.

During the years of testing, God nurtured life in me when my faith was weak and small, and I shared in the journey of restoration that God had planned not just for my boys, but for me as well.

God used adoption to expose a myth in my life: That God chiefly desires our obedience.


After all, obedience makes life easier for everybody. As the momma, I can force obedience...to a point. But obedience is not what a good parent wants most.

And it certainly isn't what God wants most.

He wants relationship.

Adoption had illuminated my deepest fears and showed my desire for control. It presented me with the choice to parent my children and indeed, live my life, trying to affect a certain outcome or... giving all I've got, freely and generously, trusting God to be the sovereign One.

I came to the point that I realized having this performance perspective was robbing my boys and myself of a better relationship. Trusting in God's providence enabled love to supercede obedience, reaching beyond consequences for behavior, to my children's hearts.

Behavior is heart driven, therefore, correction, discipline and training – all parenting – must be addressed to the heart. The fundamental task of parenting is shepherding the hearts of your children.

     ~Tedd Tripp

Adoption has taught me how important is is to live life by faith and not by sight. To be dependent on a God who is sovereign and caring.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
    ~Hebrews 11:1 

Choosing to add to our family through adoption, we stepped out in faith. Unlike having children through childbirth, it is bringing in many unknowns into your life. You do not know exactly why this child has been orphaned, or what their experiences have been up to the point when they come into your family. My children came with a past. Accepting them as ours, meant taking them in faith.
It takes faith to ride out the emotions of dealing with the traumas in their past. It takes faith to raise children that need to discover who they are, and who God has made them to be. It takes faith from beginning to end.

Adopting children brought situations in life that we couldn't anticipate. But this wound up exposing and liberating me from very subtle form of self-righteousness. I have become more humble in my parenting. I was challenged to the edge of my faith, but God met me there. I now try not to judge others by what I see of their lives. I know that there is so much more than I could ever know.
 
I had to learn not to worry about what people are thinking when I hauled my children out of the grocery store out of control and screaming because...
 
Others don't see the end of faith.
 
But it is Faith that sees children healed, and

          Faith that sees children that had no one,

                   put into families where they are loved
 
                                  faults and all...
 
 
Adoption is increasing my gratitude and thankfulness.
 
It was hard at first. I had bought Satan's whispers that there was only negative there with very little positive to find. But with the realization that God brings difficult people in our lives to teach us how to love like He does, it slowly changed everything. It was as if the clouds of negativity lifted and I started seeing my children's good qualities. There were so many good qualities; I was shocked...

        how could I have been so blind?

 
Now when my child screams and throws a tantrum because of unmet wants or desires, and yes six years later they still do, I am trying to learn to sink to my knees and thank God for the opportunity to grow in love and to deny myself.

Train up a child in the way he should go – but be sure you go that way yourself.

      ~C.H. Spurgeon

In that respect I guess my parenting experience is really no different than anyone else's. Ultimately all difficult situations the Lord allows because He has a much higher goal for us. Sacrificial living is our sanctification. It is how God grows us towards Him...

              eventually making us all more like Christ.







Always Seeking Higher Ground,

Nora