Re-Centering

I rise in the dark of morning, hurting. Blinded by the light, I stumble to fresh coffee made by husband's loving hands as early morning raucus signals wakefulness of unruly boys.

I'm stiff.

          I'm tired.

                I'm closed.

                          I'm impatient, 

and serving anyone, is the last thing on my mind.

More than it should, self dominates most early morning hours, when demands of breakfast and conflict mediation relentlessly requires attention before brain has even begun to function. Harsh words bellowed over lego wars continually beat against this growing wall of resistance as familiar dark cloud envelopes spirit. Again my day has started...angry.

God hath work to do in this world; and to desert it because of its difficulties and entanglements, is to cast off His authority. It is not enough that we be just, that we be righteous, and walk with God in holiness; but we must also serve our generation as David did before he fell asleep.
                   ~John Owen

The greatest temptation of our time is impatience, in its full, original meaning: refusal to wait, undergo, suffer....
               ~Eugen Rosenstock-Huessy

I truly want to use every moment bringing glory to God through self-denial with each day given, but truth be known, demands batter, and self protection daily dominates decisions and actions.  Instead of taking up cross and denying myself, day is spent in a tug-a-war trying to endlessly reclaim that which is believed to have been taken; authority, power, control, money, time, freedom, self-worth, sanity until I become...
                                 ground zero emotionally.

vices designed to protect sanity and hold irrational emotions at bay, are like layers of an onion. Removal only reveals another existing just below the surface ready to quickly take its place. Everything I do is seems to be some sort of effort to preserve and maintain self-control, but in so doing I lose self-control.

prayer bench beckons...



I retreat to escape, regroup, feel better....

        until screams from youngest pull me from Facebook reverie.

Anger again seething underneath, I corral oldest who again has hurt youngest over perceived threat, and self-interest violations, and in typical Momma (as God) lecture mode, relegate oldest to familiar spot to Time Out  couch.

Why can't he learn self-control...and how to make himself feel better before he takes actions he later regrets?

What did Jesus do? When life became relentless, Jesus hiked into the mountains to pray. He needed strength. He needed guidance. He needed to be refreshed spiritually and physically. Jesus settled in to talk to His father.
                ~T. Suzanne Eller

It is a joy to Jesus when a person takes time to walk more intimately with Him. The bearing of fruit is always shown in Scripture to be a visible result of an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ.
                 ~ Oswald Chambers

When knees bow at prayer bench, remorseful son grasping stuffed toy, is finally ready to utter prayer of apology, the asking for grace from his creator...


Mom...I'm going to put my Gumby on the table before we pray, that way God doesn't think I am worshipping it instead of Him.


Wall down deep inside, begins to crumble...

          Momma (as God) begins anew in lecture mode, after all...
                                                 
                                           it's a teachable moment...


Son...that is wonderful of you to be aware of the role idolatry plays in our lives, but I don't think you need to worry about Gumby becoming your idol, it's your feelings that you continually put on the throne in your life. You hit your brother because you did what felt good at the time instead of choosing God's holy way...

Recognition hits, and takes with it wall of resistance.  I look into the eyes of my son and realize the self-incrimination of words said.

                I worship how I feel... constantly.

It’s not about exalting me, it’s about slaying me. It’s the death of self. You win by losing, you live by dying. And that is the heart message of the gospel. It is God and His glory that needs to be at the center of life.


               ~John MacArthur

I don't need to ask when this preoccupation with self got so out of control, it began at sin birth and has since been indulged with protective vices.

I believe that gluttony is as much a sin in the sight of God as drunkenness.


              ~C.H. Spurgeon

Realization sends me reeling, as son continually looks into eyes waiting.  How many hours of my day do I spend careening out of control, trying to remain in control. Hours that should have been given to the joy and service of Him. It is not the demands of loved ones, life and work that suck me dry each day, it this incessant effort to meet the demands of how I feel, giving in to all it's indulgences.

Oh to live a life completely free from the demands self continually makes every second of every day..

It's obvious. I need to make a shift in my my thinking. To re-center.

Look for yourself and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.


                  ~C.S. Lewis

Then Jesus told his disciples, If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.
                ~Matthew 16:24

The cross was not a burden to bear, but an executioner’s device. A person seen carrying his cross had literally been sentenced to death and was on the way to the place where he would be executed. So the person who “loses his life” is the one who has died to all hopes and dreams that the “self” ever had in this life. He is willing to suffer the loss of everything, even life itself if need be, for the sake of the gospel. His reward is eternal life. The person who considers the things of this life more important than the cross shall lose his life eternally. He has made the things of this life more important than his eternal soul. We are either willing to die to everything through the cross and gain eternal life, or we will cling to the things of this sinful world and gain hell. Matthew 16:24 is about dying to self...not just self-sacrifice in order to find our true self.
                     ~John MacArthur

I am the LORD; that is my name; my glory I give to no other, nor my praise to carved idols.
           ~Isaiah 42:8

Momma (as Sinner) looks deeply into her son's eyes...

Son, God knows where you are, and where you are headed emotionally. You need to come to Him as often as you can so that you can find your way out of your selfish feelings back to Him, back to sanity, peace, and even to joy.  God made life to not be about us, and how we feel.

God does not exist to make much of us. We exist to make much of him.
                  ~John Piper 

With heads bowed, mother and son plead for forgiveness at the throne of mercy; for the idolatry of feelings, and the indulgence and protection of self.

LORD JEHOVAH-M'KADDESH , Lord who sanctifies, help me change the start of my day from self-awareness to You-awareness. Change my self-serving heart to become re-centered on You. 

 LORD GOD EL ELYON, Lord Most High, continually remind me that the gospel calls me to a life of submission to the lordship of Christ which means to a life of self-denial.

Let my name be forgotten, let me be trodden under the feet of all men, if Jesus may thereby be glorified.…Let us look above names and parties; let Jesus be our all in all.…I care not who is uppermost. I know my place…even to be the servant of all.

               ~George Whitefield

Always Seeking Higher Ground,

Nora